1. I'm tired.
Guilty. I remember being heavily pregnant and waking up through the night to go to the loo, being restless or uncomfortable and thinking 'well, this is good preparation for the sleep deprivation to come.' You will never be prepared. Until you have a milk siphoning dependent in need of you 24 hours a day, you really have no idea how tired your tired can be.
2. Are they sleeping through the night?
Do I have bags under my eyes? Am I oblivious to the milk caked, lanolin stains on my top? Does it look like I last washed my hair at least a week ago? If you answered yes to any or all of these questions the answer is NO. NO. NO. And if by chance mama has managed to slap on some makeup, brush her hair and change her top, it's probably still safer not to ask. Unless you want to deal with postpartum, hormonally unstable mama's response (WARNING- this may involve tears).
3. At least you don't have to go to work.
A Daddy classic, along with 'what did you do today?' Yes, keeping a totally helpless, crying, thankless small person alive is a breeze. I'm sat here in the same seat, with the same milk soaked pyjamas on, and a baby attached because I didn't fancy doing anything else today. I should've probably had a shower, changed my clothes, made myself something to eat and put the baby down to sleep.... silly mama! IF. ONLY.
4. They look just like their Daddy.
Brilliant! I just carried this baby for 10 months (9 months? Who made up that joke?!), went through hours of agonising labour, all for it to come out looking like the sperm donor (I'm kidding Daddies! But let's face it, up until that baby makes it's debut, you haven't exactly done the hard graft). 'Aw isn't she/he cute' will suffice.
5. You should let the baby cry it out.