It's the thief that you will never catch up with, taking the years, months, minutes, even precious seconds that you will never get back. It's just pinched an hour from your cherished sleep and the children have become feral for 3-4 days in adjustment to the one hour time change.
As the babies turn 6 months, I’ve been thinking a lot about time. It’s such a weird one, we flit between wanting it to speed by so we can celebrate milestones, see certain people, look forward to events and better weather. Then when we realise how fast time passes, we beg for it to slow down, feel saddened by how quickly our lives are progressing and feeling guilty for not cherishing special moments as much as we should.
I’ve learnt from my mistakes, Mila and Iris have just turned 4 and although I'm totes looking forward to shipping them off to school full time come September, I’m also well aware that these next few months I'm not going to get back so I need to make the most of each and every day while I still have them as my ‘babies’.
When they were tiny I rushed EVERYTHING. I weaned them at 17 weeks because I was dying to see their reaction to solid food, then because I felt judged I told people that my health visitor told me to do it because they were prem! I always willed them to grow fast because I had brought an outfit in the next size up that they would look mega cute in, I couldn’t wait til they crawled then instantly regretted it when I had multiple head injuries and constant biting between each other because they finally realised they could reach and beat the crap out of each other.
When I look back at their first year I just remember it being a complete blur of vomit (on each other, on me, on the bed multiple times per night), crying (mostly by me) and sweating so much I resembled a overweight melting barbie doll. I kick myself now so much that I let those moments pass me by without really treasuring them enough.
This time round with Etti and Roux, I went totally the opposite end of the spectrum. I wanted time to slow down so much it made me anxious to think about the next week. I wanted to wait until they were 6 months to wean them, not because I'm the type to stick to the rule book and guidelines (clearly, cos I'm a rebel) but because I just didn't want to make that next step because that would be admitting my babies are growing up, and they’re 100% my last ever babies. I’ve cried about it, I’ve felt sick, literally full on nauseous when people would ask me when I was going to start weaning. I get a pit in the bottom of my stomach when someone asks how old they are and the realisation dawns on me that the time thats passed already has gone so fast and once that time has passed again they will be an entire year old. My little babies will be one. It’s completely devastating to me.
Then I saw a wonderful quote on instagram stories that really resonated with me...
"This I know, you are more passionately alive when you are living in the present moment, but so often, you rush away time, wanting something to happen, waiting for something to happen. And do you know that in the waiting, you are resisting the present moment, choosing not to live - denying life?” - April Green
It made me realise that by worrying about it and willing time to slow down, I was still wasting those days feeling anxious and sad when I could have just been living in the moment. Now when the babies won’t go down for a nap because I just want a break and a cuppa with 8 biscuits, and I’m rocking them so fast my hips start to click and I feel myself getting annoyed, I've started to just stop.
Stop and let go of the stress, take the time to stare at their little faces, their perfect little lips and those long eyelashes im so envious of, and sniff them so bloody hard. I’ll keep rocking them for longer than I need to because that moment is gone once I lay them to sleep. There will soon be a day they become so heavy I can’t rock them anymore. I’ll take those extra minutes and snap a mental picture for my memory, lock away their beautiful baby smell in a special little treasure chest inside me because it won’t be there forever.
You see we have to use time wisely, you cant keep it so spend it, yes it will pass us by, and we will have feelings of sadness when we look back. But we need stop to savour the moment rather than rushing it on or willing it to slow, by living in those very seconds and minutes as much as we can.
Life is time, so lets live it. (Total cheese I know, but so bloody true).