Who I am and what I stand for..

Last month was exceptionally manic. Without the internet I had time to step back, to do some brainstorming and re-evaluate how I wanted 'Nicole Francesca' to move forward. I began asking myself simple questions: What I am doing? Why am I doing it? How could I be doing it better? Being able to express myself in new ways has been liberating. It has helped me to overcome some dark demons and now I'm thinking about how I can help others more.

Let me introduce myself properly My name is Nicole, I'm from Manchester, mama of my kick-ass girl gang, Olivia and Sofiya, and partner to outnumbered daddy Michael. Five years ago our eldest daughter Olivia was born 12 weeks prematurely weighing a teeny 1lbs 15oz.  A few weeks after her traumatic delivery she was diagnosed with a form of brain damage called Periventricular Leukomalacia (PVL). Our world was turned upside down. A traumatic birth wasn't something I ever imagined would happen to us. I never thought our child would be born a severely premature infant, I had never even heard the term "micro-preemie". Becoming parents changes your life, but when your child has a disability you're suddenly "not that kind of mum" and you enter a different world of motherhood. All of a sudden the hospital
turns into a home, and your world is filled with medical terms no parent should ever learn.

The years that followed were extremely difficult mentally for me and physically for Olivia. Eventually,  I didn't even feel like a mother and that broke my heart. I desperately needed a release. I found myself wanting to speak up about things that I had long kept locked inside. I wanted to write about the days spent behind fake smiles, behind closed doors of illnesses. Here I found my passion, a passion for mental health awareness, Disability Equality, Activism and everything that has come with sharing our life.

I want to give people a helping hand, something I struggled to find in the online community. For those who are struggling, the internet is sometimes the only place we feel comfortable to turn; we do not have to face looks of pain and judgement. It's a place to log our thoughts and write something publicly in the hope that it helps another. 

I blog because for so long I didn't have a voice, I couldn't voice my feelings. For so long I fell deeper and deeper into despair. Some days I don't have anybody to speak to, No-one tells you how lonely motherhood can be, but through writing, I can communicate.
 
I want to become a voice of support, of honesty. If I have to live with mental illness then I want to use it for good. If I have to live with disability being a part of my motherhood journey, then I want to raise awareness. I want to turn something that hurts me everyday into something that may just save someone else’s life. For me, my blog has become a safe place, and I hope that by writing it, that I can extend this feeling to others, no matter how far away they may be.

That is me and why I share our lives online.

Nicole
House of Blossom